Shut up.



How exactly is she supposed to react to that? You know her, you know how she takes things. In essence you said to her 'I don't give a flying f*** about the family'. No wonder she started to cry.

You know I love you, sis, but I really think you could have done things differently with the coming home.

Remember to think before you open that sarcastic mouth of yours.

Of course, I'm missing lots of the little details that make up complex family communication, but in general, it's really hard for moms and daughters to separate identities, especially when the daughter is growing up and in a position to assert her own authority.

I think lots of daughters could use the "Mom's view" filter, but when daughters become adults, a lot of mothers forget that they need to use the "other grown woman's view" filter in the same way they would when talking with another adult female.  It takes a lot of time to sort out these balances.

I can totally see both sides of how Cedar and her mom must feel (I think anyway).  

It's a totally natural stage that women go through and it's a painful one. 

You will probably do this anyway, but if you want your mom to see you as Cedarbird-the-person-you-are-now then you have to approach her not as your mom but as someone you want to be get to know as her own person rather than the mother-figure. It seems weird to have to get to know a parent in this way, but I really believe it's a completely different and rewarding way to get to know them.  Are you clear with what you want from her as a parent and a friend and are you clear about the kind of relationship she wants to have with you?  It's pretty scary, though. Even then, the mom-daughter relationship can have some interesting dynamics.

 

Anyway, that and everything that Asaxygirl wrote.

Oh, I know she wasn't saying it, but she's known our mother for 19 years and should've known that that's exactly how Momma Jones was gonna take it.

What an utterly ridiculous thing to say sis.  If she didn't love you desparately, it wouldn't be so easy for you to hurt her.  Mom isn't nuts, she just loves with a ferocity and strength that, to be honest, I don't think you can even begin to comprehend.  I am just barely beginning to understand the way Mom loves us all and I have had my own little ones for almost 9 years now.

I know it will be a tough summer, but perhaps you could think about not trying to make it worse all in the name of "honesty".  Being brutally honest just because you can isn't really the best thing to do.  And frankly, saying you received a revelation that you are supposed to be at school doesn't mean you the Lord wants you to turn your back on your family.  See, that isn't exactly part of the plan, and therefore cannot be true and good.

Thank you, ladies, it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through stuff like this.

Brothers, I wish you knew how I felt, but since she gets along better with you guys than she does with me, you don't really understand. It's not as though I'm not partly at fault, but we just don't communicate well.

Yes, I know I'm bad at communicating my feelings to her, but she doesn't have to take everything so sensitively.

It is not all my fault. Partly, but definitely not all.

Cedar, I do think what you are feeling is normal.

When I was a teen, I had a lot of problems with my mother. A LOT. There seems to be issues with moms wanting to live vicariously through their daughters, and having expectations that don't fit the personality/interests/talents of the daughter. There also seems to be some subtle jealousy and female competition that goes on with moms and daughters, in addition to normal teenage stuff.

My family situation growing up was NOT normal, haha, so I wouldn't use it as a template for healthy relationship building, however, I found, and I think many other women have as well, that as you get older, both mother and daughter develop appreciation for each other, and it softens some of the anger and bad emotions.

I used to be very hateful to my mom. As I got older, I realized that it wasn't constructive or necessary. Like BD said, hurting someone's feeling under the guise of honesty can be really cruel. You can be honest without saying things you know will hurt her, and I know you know that because you pretty much said it in your article. With maturity (and it seems like you are mature beyond your years already), I think you will find that balance where you don't feel like you're being fake but still manage to keep hurtful thoughts and opinions to yourself (or express them in a more palatable way).

Someday you will feel differently about your mom. I promise!

I think you've gotten some excellent advice from above. I would like to add that you should not visualize your summer as already being lost to you.  I really do hope that you make the best of it.

Yikes, and I thought my mom was touchy.

Perhaps the best advice was from SanCho:

I'm guilty of the speaking without thinking...it's led to some rather unpleasant situations.

~Zoo

CB, I don't know all the details so if I'm way out of bounds I apologize.

So you're gonna have a bad summer and you don't want to leave your new home. Nothing wrong with that but why tell your mother that if you know she's super sensitive? It couldn't wait those 4+ hours till you got to your destination to tell your dad the buddy. Or call some sympathetic ear on the phone? Were you so disappointed you were leaving that you took it out on a easy target? Was it somehow a payback for having to leave? For it being her picking you up instead of your dad? For supposedly not liking you?

You then complain about the fun car ride home well whose fault was that? You could have made the ride anyway you wanted you chose to make it uncomfortable.

You received a revelation to go to the school you're at and I think that's great, and I love your enthusiasm for your new home. I just don't understand despite that how you can be scared to be away for the summer. Is your new home going to be different when you go back? I understand what you're feeling about leaving a place you feel you belong but you shouldn't automatically assume your summer is already over.

Now before you think I'm trying to sound better than you I just want to say I'm not. When I was younger my sarcastic mouth made my mother cry a lot. I was a real dickhead. Looking back at myself I'm real ashamed at my actions, especially when I felt I was just being honest. I was selfish only concern with my own feelings.

Now saying all this I know a mother and daughter relationship is completely different than a son and mother one. Again if I overstepped here feel free to be completely honest with me.

I do hope your relationship with your mother gets better and I do hope your summer isn't as bad as you think it's going to be.

Well, it's been a few days and things aren't as bad as I thought they'd be, which is good.

It was my sarcastic mouth, a lot of it.

But also her being super sensitive.

Yeah, I shouldn't have said that, but I really wasn't in the mood to lie to her and then try to cover it up. I just have a hard time communicating my feelings in a tactful, efficient way.

Oh well, I'm just trying to think positive.